Do I Say It Do I Say It Now
There are two types of people. Some are spewers. That means that if they think it they say it. The good part of that is that they get things off their chest and tend not to explode. Think of emotions as a balloon. Spewers let a little air out of the balloon as soon as they feel triggered, so their balloon never pops. They tend not to hold grudges and they get over things quickly. The bad part of being a spewer is that the other person is not always ready to be spewed on and can feel attacked and constantly criticized. The other type of people are stewers. These people hold things in until they can’t take it anymore and then their balloon pops. Something small happens and everything they have been holding in comes tumbling out. The good part of spewers is that they have less confrontation with their partners and tend to ignore mild infractions. The bad part is that when they let themselves get angry they can be explosive. In families there is often a mix of both. 2 spewers have constant banter but it rarely gets ugly. 2 stewers rarely argue but when they do look out. Stewers and spewers don’t understand each other’s way of handling conflict which can make things a little more complicated. I teach both stewers and spewers the technique I call Do I Say It? Do I Say It Now? How Do I say It ?
- The first step is to determine if each person involved is a stewer or a spewer so you can better understand each other’s way of handling conflict
- If you are a spewer you need to ask yourself the question, Do I Need To Say This more often than a stewer. When you feel triggered decide if this is really worth the energy of addressing it? I suggest taking a 30-minute break to make that decision
- If you are a spewer you will ask that question less often with the follow-up question of if I don’t say it can I release it?
- In either case if you decide it has to be said you have to consider your frame of mind. If you are still angry this is not the time.
- You also have to think about the other person. Is it a good time for them to hear what you have to say. The best way to know is to ask them.
- Lastly think about how to say it so you won’t trigger the other person. Remember your goal is to be heard and to see a change in behavior. You get more flies with honey than vinegar.