What I Didn’t Know.
Linda Wechter-Ashkin PhD NCSP BC-TMHC ADHD CCSP
I remember sitting in our studio apartment, coming home from dinner at Fridays with a pregnancy test in my hand. I remember waiting impatiently to see the line indicating I was pregnant. I had taken these tests many times before, but this time was different, I wanted to see the line. I remember the pure joy I felt as I fell to my knees realizing I was going to be a mommy. What I didn’t know was that within a month I would be bleeding and would be told by the doctor that I had a miscarriage. What I didn’t know was that they were wrong. What I didn’t know was that there would be a mix up with the lab results and that we were advised to come back to the hospital because Rikki had no liver functioning and would likely not make it. What I didn’t know was that they were wrong again. What I didn’t know was that I wouldn’t make enough breast milk and that the pediatrician would be very concerned about her failure to thrive. What I didn’t know was that forcing her to eat would cause her to have a lifelong love/hate relationship with food. What I didn’t know was that all the fatty food I had been advised to give her would lead to her losing her gallbladder at 13. What I didn’t know when I laid her on my chest and listened to her heartbeat was that I would helplessly stand by and watch that heart be broken more than once. What I didn’t know was that her arguing with me would lead to a very successful career as a lawyer. What I didn’t know was that a day was coming when she would buy her own home, find the right man, and prepare to move away.
I am so glad I didn’t know. What I don’t know is if I will live to see her children grow up. What I don’t know is if I will get to watch her walk down the aisle, or if she will make time for me as I get older. I don’t know. But if I knew when I was staring at that pregnancy stick all that I know, it might have made it harder in that moment to find pure joy. Time spent worrying about the future is wasted time. We just don’t know. And if we did it might take away from the moment we are in. What I do know is that Rikki is the best friend I’ve ever had. She is the strong woman that I wish I was and never will be. That our walks together are priceless. That her approval means everything to me. I don’t know what’s coming next with my children. You don’t either. What I do know is that I don’t need to know, and you don’t either. I rely on the one who knows to prepare me for what I need to know when I need to know it.