Why Are Daddies Clothes Outside?
Linda Wechter-Ashkin PhD NCSP BC-TMHC ADHD CCSP
Last night my husband and I had a Jerry Springer fight. We don’t have them often but when we do, they can get pretty ugly. He didn’t like something I said and took off for the second time this week. I unhinged and when he didn’t come home for dinner, I took most of his belongings at our small condo in Naples and lovingly placed them outside. He never came home, and I had to go retrieve all of his stuff in the morning and put his items back where they belonged before our neighbors started to wonder what the heck was going on in Unit 103. Parents fight, they disagree and sometimes, and I hope its not too often one or both of them gets unhinged. The thing is we have 2 adult children who live in their own homes and have their own relationships to navigate. But what if the children are still home? Then what do you do. It’s simple you never fight in front of them. You never fight where they can hear it. And you never let them see you unhinge.
When the kids were really young honey can you help me with something in the bedroom was a note to my husband that he was in big trouble. When they got a little older come with me to Publix was another hint that things were about to go south. When I work with children one of their biggest complaints about their parents is that they fight too much. It scares them, it makes them feel unsafe, and it makes them feel helpless and then guilty for being helpless. Children have told me stories of stepping in front of their moms, trying to throw an enraged parent out of the house, and in some cases trying to grab a weapon away from a parent. Marriage is hard work. It’s about two imperfect people trying to figure out how to navigate through life. Sometimes it is great and sometimes it’s just not. But whether it’s good or bad it’s your job to figure it out. I hate to say it, but I am always proud of parents when their children say they can’t believe they are getting divorced because they seemed so happy together. They may not have done it all right, but they certainly did that right. If you are married its hard work. If you are divorced its hard work. If you are a single parent its hard work. If you are widowed its devastatingly hard work. Life is hard work. Anger is an easy solution but never the right one. I promise you that your spouse will make you angry, do stupid things, and be inconsiderate. They are human. But you can learn to fight to resolve instead of fighting to be right and you can do it quietly and away from the children. I can help
